My Fantasy Shopping Guide

A reader asked me to do a shopping guide for cyclists. After looking around a bit I realized the things that I would recommend for bike Christmas don’t actually exist. So I decided I should create my own wish-list of fantasy cycling products. And who knows, maybe someday they’ll be on the market.

First of all, I’ll start with some items for the budget-challenged. These would also make great stocking stuffers.

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

The next gift is for all you cyclists that would like a little more space on your commute. Have  you ever felt a little squeezed off the road? Would you like cars to keep a safe distance? Do you find that drivers freak out at the mere sight of a bicycle on the road, panic, and then drive into things? This next gift is for you:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

Camo-bike will keep real cars at a safe distance, prevent them to trying to “share” the lane when you are taking the lane, and help blend in a bit. It’s designed to look like a sports convertible so you don’t need to worry about being slower than other car traffic. Everyone knows sports car owners never actually go above 30mph. (Because only old people drive them.)

Okay, this next gift is for cyclists who have pedestrians step out unexpectedly and directly into their path:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

With Ped-Bells you will hear them coming as they weave between trucks and buses at intersections or as they stumble drunk out of a bar into the street at night. This will buy you precious time to brake or swerve. For a few more bucks Ped-Bells come with blinkie lights included. (Okay, so technically Ped-Bells would need to be given to those who are *not* on riding bikes. But since cyclists would really be the ones to benefit, it would ultimately be a big gift for us.)

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are working your way through busy traffic, trying to anticipate everyone’s move, hoping others see you… only to realize every driver is looking at their cell phones instead of the road? Well, then you need this:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

It mounts on your handlebars and jams cell phone signals in a radius of 40 yards. Just hope that this doesn’t make drivers more distracted as they try to figure out what happened to their 4G and why they can’t get the latest of Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter feed.

Do you ever feel a little too benign on your bike? Do you want to make your bicycle little more intimidating and badass? Then you need these:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

Besides making you more awesome, it will also increase your visibility and keep you warm on cold days. However it may also burn you a little.

This last gift is for the impatient cyclist who might have a bit of a DIY streak. If you’re tired of waiting on local governments to take action you can build your own bike infrastructure right now with this gift:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

If I had a rear rack-mounted Bike Lane Maker those Mass Ave bike lanes would be installed this afternoon.

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  • jwink3101 December 21, 2011   Reply →

    I am glad I am not the only one who thinks of baklava every time i wear a balaclava.

    Also, Costco does have Merino wool socks that are both cheap and just plain, simple, gray. I think they call them trail socks.

    Finally, while less permanent than paint, you can draw your own moving bike lane with something like this:

    • Bikeyface December 21, 2011  

      Yes, I’ve seen that, it’s very cool. Even saw a cyclist with something like that here. The downside is it only works at night for a single cyclist :(

      When I lived in LA some folks painted a DIY bike lane on a nasty stretch of road that needed it. It was amazing how fast the city mobilized to remove it.

    • Jen December 20, 2013  

      Sometimes, DIY bike lanes work. A few people put up some pylons to create a protected bike lane. The city took them down, but them made them permanent.

  • Phil Lindsay December 21, 2011   Reply →

    We’ll have to find a pair of women’s socks for you! Love it as usual. I’m so dreaming of getting a Rack-Mounted Bike Lane Maker. I want one!!!!

  • Dave December 21, 2011   Reply →

    That cellphone jammer drawing somehow reminded me of the scene in Amelie, when her neighbor deceives her into thinking she caused all those accidents with her camera, and she gets back at him by sitting on his roof and unplugging his TV antenna whenever something exciting happens in the football match :)

    • Bikeyface December 21, 2011  

      I love Amelie. If you added bicycles to that movie would be about me.

    • Dave December 21, 2011  

      Nino’s little scooter thing is kind of bicycle-like :)

      That movie was a life-changer for us too – what a beautiful film.

  • freddy.brett December 21, 2011   Reply →

    IMAJRK2 = Wicked Funny !

  • Lisa December 21, 2011   Reply →

    My friends and I had this idea of creating a baklava appliqué to sew onto a balaclava. Unfortunately, none of us could sew. Balaclava designers, take note! My cut of the profits can be paid in baklava.

  • BettySlutsky December 21, 2011   Reply →

    Guerrilla bike lane painters! People make those. I approve.
    Re: camo-bike, there’s a guy in Pittsburgh who rides around with a car bumper strapped to his bike. Also, I have a friend who loves the British car show Top Gear, and there’s an episode where they brought in a pedal-powered car. So those exist, too!
    It was super neat meeting you at Papercut! I hope the bike zine amused you :-)

    • Bikeyface December 21, 2011  

      It was great to meet you too- I love the zine! I’ve been sharing it with friends :)

  • dellwilson December 21, 2011   Reply →

    Very funny! Well done!

  • cycler December 21, 2011   Reply →

    IMAJRK2 is awesome!

    Re: wool socks, Smartwool has plain black and nice multi-color stripes. The clog shop on Mass ave between Porter and Harvard has lots of options, although the woman who runs it always unnerves me a bit- it’s like she’s permanently turned up to 11.

  • Gary from Dracut December 21, 2011   Reply →

    Whew !!! I was a little worried that because of some of the negative comments on your last posting about the ‘Christmas tree’ thing, that you might get pissed and not post for awhile. Seriously, here you are going out of your way to share your great talent, and amuse your fellow bikers, and a few feel the need to ‘correct’ you ???

    If they don’t like what we have ALL come to love (your work) then they should just GO AWAY !!!

    Love the bike lane marker panel…

    Gary from Dracut.

  • anniebikes December 21, 2011   Reply →

    I love, love, love the bike lane maker.

  • shebicycles December 21, 2011   Reply →

    I have forwarded the entire list to Santa. :) Best wish list ever. (And now I want Greek pastries.)

  • AA December 21, 2011   Reply →

    Damn, someone beat me to telling you about the bumper bike guy. I used to live in his neighborhood. There are two facebook pages for him.

    • Dan K December 21, 2011  

      That’s awesome!

  • jonawebb December 21, 2011   Reply →

    Someone actually did an experiment a few years ago testing how much space drivers gave when passing dressed in different ways ( Dressing wearing a woman’s wig gave the most space, while riding more to the center of the lane or wearing a helmet reduced the space. So a clip-on pony tail as in your helmet should make you more safe.

  • Mark Simpson December 21, 2011   Reply →

    FIREWHEELS! I want them!

    p.s. wool socks – go to an Army Navy store such as Kenmore Army Navy (in Downtown Crossing on Washington Street) they will NOT have snowflake patterns on them.

    • Richard Masoner (@cyclelicious) December 23, 2011  

      Firewheels – they’re real!

    • Bikeyface December 23, 2011  

      Now I want them even more.

    • MoBike December 28, 2011  

      Those wheels are far to nice to be lit on fire :(

  • Lee Toma (@LeeToma) December 21, 2011   Reply →

    Awesome! That Camo-bike reminds me of this neat project:

    • Gary from Dracut December 23, 2011  

      SO COOL !!! Thanks for sharing Lee ! I loved it so much I had to check out the other videos of it, especially liked the one on how they built the ‘worlds slowest Porsche’… LOL

  • GRJim December 21, 2011   Reply →

    Hair again. You are doing it just to bug me.

    • Bikeyface December 21, 2011  

      Yes I am.

    • GRJim December 21, 2011  

      Ok, just so we’re clear. Maybe when the weather warms up you can draw a coin slot? Speaking of which, I saw a girl on a fixie yesterday with enough butt cleavage to hold a Prismacolor Colored Pencil set.

  • Erin B December 22, 2011   Reply →

    I’ve just started knitting my first pair of wool socks and I have to say, it isn’t nearly as hard as I would have thought. I was horribly intimidated by the idea of turning the heel and joining the toe. It hasn’t been too bad at all and now I have a custom fit wool sock that is way nicer than a store bought one. I’m not even a super knitter or anything. I just started this spring.

  • JP Gal December 22, 2011   Reply →

    May all your wishes come true and thanks for sharing them with us!

  • Scruffy Beard Mechanic December 22, 2011   Reply →


  • Sharon December 22, 2011   Reply →

    Fantastic – I nearly fell off my chair laughing at Firewheels, I love it!!

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