My Fantasy Shopping Guide

A reader asked me to do a shopping guide for cyclists. After looking around a bit I realized the things that I would recommend for bike Christmas don’t actually exist. So I decided I should create my own wish-list of fantasy cycling products. And who knows, maybe someday they’ll be on the market.

First of all, I’ll start with some items for the budget-challenged. These would also make great stocking stuffers.

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

The next gift is for all you cyclists that would like a little more space on your commute. Have  you ever felt a little squeezed off the road? Would you like cars to keep a safe distance? Do you find that drivers freak out at the mere sight of a bicycle on the road, panic, and then drive into things? This next gift is for you:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

Camo-bike will keep real cars at a safe distance, prevent them to trying to “share” the lane when you are taking the lane, and help blend in a bit. It’s designed to look like a sports convertible so you don’t need to worry about being slower than other car traffic. Everyone knows sports car owners never actually go above 30mph. (Because only old people drive them.)

Okay, this next gift is for cyclists who have pedestrians step out unexpectedly and directly into their path:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

With Ped-Bells you will hear them coming as they weave between trucks and buses at intersections or as they stumble drunk out of a bar into the street at night. This will buy you precious time to brake or swerve. For a few more bucks Ped-Bells come with blinkie lights included. (Okay, so technically Ped-Bells would need to be given to those who are *not* on riding bikes. But since cyclists would really be the ones to benefit, it would ultimately be a big gift for us.)

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are working your way through busy traffic, trying to anticipate everyone’s move, hoping others see you… only to realize every driver is looking at their cell phones instead of the road? Well, then you need this:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

It mounts on your handlebars and jams cell phone signals in a radius of 40 yards. Just hope that this doesn’t make drivers more distracted as they try to figure out what happened to their 4G and why they can’t get the latest of Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter feed.

Do you ever feel a little too benign on your bike? Do you want to make your bicycle little more intimidating and badass? Then you need these:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

Besides making you more awesome, it will also increase your visibility and keep you warm on cold days. However it may also burn you a little.

This last gift is for the impatient cyclist who might have a bit of a DIY streak. If you’re tired of waiting on local governments to take action you can build your own bike infrastructure right now with this gift:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

If I had a rear rack-mounted Bike Lane Maker those Mass Ave bike lanes would be installed this afternoon.

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45 Comments on "My Fantasy Shopping Guide"

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Guerrilla bike lane painters! People make those. I approve.
Re: camo-bike, there’s a guy in Pittsburgh who rides around with a car bumper strapped to his bike. Also, I have a friend who loves the British car show Top Gear, and there’s an episode where they brought in a pedal-powered car. So those exist, too!
It was super neat meeting you at Papercut! I hope the bike zine amused you 🙂


Very funny! Well done!


IMAJRK2 is awesome!

Re: wool socks, Smartwool has plain black and nice multi-color stripes. The clog shop on Mass ave between Porter and Harvard has lots of options, although the woman who runs it always unnerves me a bit- it’s like she’s permanently turned up to 11.

Gary from Dracut

Whew !!! I was a little worried that because of some of the negative comments on your last posting about the ‘Christmas tree’ thing, that you might get pissed and not post for awhile. Seriously, here you are going out of your way to share your great talent, and amuse your fellow bikers, and a few feel the need to ‘correct’ you ???

If they don’t like what we have ALL come to love (your work) then they should just GO AWAY !!!

Love the bike lane marker panel…

Gary from Dracut.


I love, love, love the bike lane maker.