My Fantasy Shopping Guide

A reader asked me to do a shopping guide for cyclists. After looking around a bit I realized the things that I would recommend for bike Christmas don’t actually exist. So I decided I should create my own wish-list of fantasy cycling products. And who knows, maybe someday they’ll be on the market.

First of all, I’ll start with some items for the budget-challenged. These would also make great stocking stuffers.

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

The next gift is for all you cyclists that would like a little more space on your commute. Have  you ever felt a little squeezed off the road? Would you like cars to keep a safe distance? Do you find that drivers freak out at the mere sight of a bicycle on the road, panic, and then drive into things? This next gift is for you:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

Camo-bike will keep real cars at a safe distance, prevent them to trying to “share” the lane when you are taking the lane, and help blend in a bit. It’s designed to look like a sports convertible so you don’t need to worry about being slower than other car traffic. Everyone knows sports car owners never actually go above 30mph. (Because only old people drive them.)

Okay, this next gift is for cyclists who have pedestrians step out unexpectedly and directly into their path:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

With Ped-Bells you will hear them coming as they weave between trucks and buses at intersections or as they stumble drunk out of a bar into the street at night. This will buy you precious time to brake or swerve. For a few more bucks Ped-Bells come with blinkie lights included. (Okay, so technically Ped-Bells would need to be given to those who are *not* on riding bikes. But since cyclists would really be the ones to benefit, it would ultimately be a big gift for us.)

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are working your way through busy traffic, trying to anticipate everyone’s move, hoping others see you… only to realize every driver is looking at their cell phones instead of the road? Well, then you need this:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

It mounts on your handlebars and jams cell phone signals in a radius of 40 yards. Just hope that this doesn’t make drivers more distracted as they try to figure out what happened to their 4G and why they can’t get the latest of Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter feed.

Do you ever feel a little too benign on your bike? Do you want to make your bicycle little more intimidating and badass? Then you need these:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

Besides making you more awesome, it will also increase your visibility and keep you warm on cold days. However it may also burn you a little.

This last gift is for the impatient cyclist who might have a bit of a DIY streak. If you’re tired of waiting on local governments to take action you can build your own bike infrastructure right now with this gift:

My Fantasy Shopping Guide

If I had a rear rack-mounted Bike Lane Maker those Mass Ave bike lanes would be installed this afternoon.

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45 Responses to “My Fantasy Shopping Guide”

  • Sue

    I have to laugh I’m currently wearing wool socks with a flower motif that I received as a gift last Christmas.

  • How about handlebar activated flamethrower for those motorists that get a little too close? Or, a set of mach 5 saw blades for those times when you need to ride through thick underbrush.

  • Dear Santa,

    For Christmas this year I would like an awesome website for me to follow. I would like it to be about everyday, practical biking for transportation with silly cartoons to make me laugh. And I want there to be chocolate too- somehow. And one more thing, it would be nice if the author/artist was a super sexy girl cyclist that knows how to bake.

    Oh, there already is such a thing! Well, I guess I’ll take one of those cell phone jammer thingys then…

  • matt

    “balaclava of baklava” FTW

  • Kyklos

    Boots (uk) are selling those hairpieces at a very reasonable price. It’s not too late to add one to a female or male cyclist’s stocking. And if you do use one yourself be sure to let us have a photo. Happy Christmas everyone.

  • Haha, thanks for doing this! I love it. :) especially the DIY bike lane. That would really come in handy in my part of Idaho. And I need camo-bike, but in the form of a tractor or something. The drivers are really good about giving the farm equipment driving on the side of the road plenty of room.
    Merry Christmas!

  • I’m a relatively new cyclist, and I want a couple of these. After biking home from Downtown Crossing to Quincy, I think I might have wanted to start smaller!

  • James Jacobs

    I especially like the cell phone jammer. Put me on the list for one of those when they come out.

  • Sam

    My brother once had a guy step out in front of him eating a meat pie. My brother smashed into him and the pie went flying. The guy then promptly bolted.

  • Love it! The handlebar mounted cell phone jammer now goes on my wish list!

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